MĀKUAHENE (MOTHER) NATURE IN THE BUFF

There is no singular word in Hawaiian for the physical universe, so obviously nature takes on many forms, shapes and sizes in Hawaii–not to mention humor. My friend, Jil, asked me not to show any more poop pictures and instead asked to see some flowers in our Maui garden. Since I’m thrilled to have one friend who actually reads my stuff, I’m more than happy to oblige. So I opened up some of my iPhoto albums and, of course, the first flowers that caught my eye were orchids. Did you know that there are about 35,000 species of orchids in the world?! How many people did it take to count those things? I know for sure that we have a bunch of ’em at our house including some Cattleya and Phalaenopsis shown at right.

Orchids do not grow in soil. They grow in the air by attaching their roots to hard surfaces that get washed by the rain. We have orchids growing on our lava walls, hanging out of our trees and everyone needs an orchid by their outhouse. But here I am talking about poop again. I immediately emailed an orchid pic to Jil and lo and behold, it got her husband, George, all excited. He had just seen two amazing orchids on the internet and said I had to have them. He forwarded the photos my way and I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I think they originate from Equador or Peru or somewhere down in those naked jungles, but I certainly believe they would be most happy growing on Maui. Of course, to get them here, we’d have to deal with the USDA, the IPPC, NAPPO, PHQG, the APHIS and PPQ programs, not to mention the EPA and the TSA. So perhaps a few pictures would do just as well.

Photos #1 and #2 in this series show “The Hanging Naked Man Orchid.” I think a much better name would be “The Anthony Gigantea Weiner Orchid:”

#3 in the series is called the Monkey Orchid or Orchis Simia. My suggestion for a more fun name would be: “The Donald Trumpus Follicus Orchid.”
No blow-dry necessary and it’s naturally orange/blond. Arena flowers.com says it smells like ripe orange when it matures. That would match the hair. How great is that?

So now this whole flower and humor in the garden thing has got me going and I have just dug up a few more pictures from the file. Another phallic-type flower that we have in multiple sizes and colors under the palms and ferns is the Anthurium. It is also called the “Boy Flower.” No explanation necessary:

 

 

 

 

Hawaiians have this joke going around that I thought I should warn you about so you are prepared for the question. Here it is: How do you tell the difference between a male and female Plumeria tree? This question can also apply to any tree like a Mango or Guava for example. Here is the answer: the picture on your left is the female and the one on the right is the male:

 

 

 

Some Hawaiian fisherman hang their buoy balls in trees. What are buoy balls? Well..they’re really fish net floats that keep the huge expanse of fishing nets afloat in the ocean. They used to be handmade of glass by glassblowers using old Sake bottles, but are now made of plastic or aluminum. Appropriately, there are two balls in the male tree above.

Since I seem to be focusing on the male of the species in plant life as we know it..I do have one photo that shows a female lime having a mammogram. She had grown naturally between these two branches. Poor thing I rescued her just in time. And she thanked me by blessing my Mai Tai that night:

I shall now end this horticulture lesson with my thought for the day: Flowers bring beauty and fragrance to the outhouse of life: